The Escape Route

Why have I been so emo lately?? There's only 1 answer to that, I want to tell her the truth, about how I feel. But there seems to be a problem to this plan. Every time, I try to do so, she'll show that she doesn't want me around no matter what. I seem to be the cause of her sorrow and moody times. There's was once I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned around saying 'WHAT?!'. I felt immediately that she wants me to stay away from her, that I am unwanted around her. So, what am I to do?? Knowing that these things wouldn't change for the time being. I should just let it be... Keep a distance maybe, and show no interest?? I have no escape route for this right now. Hopefully something will come up in my mind eventually.

Sometimes, I'll ask her a question and she'll ignore me. I choose to look at it in way that she didn't hear me. But after a while, I gave up on that thought, I had to face the truth someday... I hope that 1 day she'll know that I regretted, know that I'm sorry for all the wrongs that I've done towards her, know that I never meant for any of it to happen, but it did... I know I'll never be as good as others, not good enough for her. I know that ever since that incident, her perspective of me changed forever, that I am a selfish ass wipe who couldn't think properly and differentiate wrong and right. Even though, I offended her indirectly, but I know that I'm not like that just because she thinks of me in that way.

So I guess, the solution, whether it's easy a not, is to give up, let go, forget and move on. Because even though she makes a smile on my face appear when I'm in sadness, helps me when I face problems, there are still times when she is the cause of my sadness and problems, she just never knew it... I always look at the good times we shared but now I remember the countless times that we never were happy, hating each other and so close but yet so far apart...

It Goes On

I won't be writing much for this post cause there really isn't anything to write about. So it starts like this...

Life as we know it doesn't stop one second for us. Life as we know it just goes on and on. Well, guess what else goes on... The feeling that something you felt hasn't vanished, the feeling that you still care. Holidays are here, it's damn shit boring, I fractured my left wrist but I don't give a damn cause I still can do whatever I want =). I'm typing this with both hands. But all that doesn't matter. Have you ever asked yourself whether the thing in your mind, no matter if it's a feeling, a plan or even an action, is that thing your thinking of a 'want' or a 'need'. Well, is it necessary to get a prom date?? Is that a 'want' or a 'need'?? I couldn't think of an answer on why would I get a prom date?? There was no answer for me. It shows absolutely nothing because it's a 1 dinner. Yes, it's probably the last time all of us would gather but does it matter if you have a date??

Other than that, the feeling... Have you ever wanted someone so badly but when the time, the opportunity comes, you don't dare to do anything?? Well, I did and still do... Seeing her almost everyday makes my life both more miserable and enlightened. Why enlightened?? The answer for that is quite obvious. It's because it's you who I'm seeing, it's you who I get to spend time with. But I've been trying to avoid those things from happening... That's why it's miserable for me. Knowing that you'll be there but knowing that I don't stand a chance. Do you know the goosebumps feeling?? Every time I see you, I think of approaching you. But that was only a thought... Right after that thought, I'll tell me self 'no'. All you're gonna do is hurt yourself or worst, her too. That's when I get the goosebumps feeling, that when I just keep it to myself, head down, almost tearing and once again regretting.

So, the thing is, I haven't got over anything. That feeling is still there. The other day I was behind you, thinking of going up next to you and walk you back to class but then the same thing happened. I was only 2 steps away from catching up with you then there was a junction. You took a left turn and even though I had to take the same route back to my class, I went straight instead. What an idiot I am. But the thought that it was for the best told me that the wrong turn was worth it, that it was worth the wait...

Stupid Me...

Having looked through my life from past to present, I have yet to find a solution to any of my problems throughout my whole life, throughout my blog and throughout my feelings... Another thing is that throughout my blog, I discovered that the people I address 'you' with aren't always the same people. I did not achieve my goal because my mind wasn't set, it wasn't ready to accept rejection, to accept not having those people in life... So I actually push it away, 'run from problems' is what some people call it.

Did you know that, talking one-to-one with a friend, better yet a best friend helps a lot in both ways. But the person you talk to must be understanding, opened minded, caring, quite mature and a great friend. Sometimes, I tend to say the wrong things, I tend to let people down, I tend to hurt people's feelings... But the thing is 'who the hell am I to do such things'. Regretting is one thing, apologizing is another, but once you said something, you can take it back; once you give a wrong impression to people, it stays in their minds; once you hurt someone, you can never undo that. Recently, I've been thinking too much about other people, about people's personalities & attitudes, about me. I found out that I'm wrong in many different ways that I never thought of. I'm really sorry for that.

Knowing the people around me, I have a variety of friends. Looking back to the start of secondary school until now, I have never been in the same class as the same group of friends. These people I can always count on because these are my friends. Oh ya, there is nothing wrong to have a very close friend of the opposite gender, it really helps a lot. Talking to someone you're comfortable with, talking to someone who suites you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. People always take it in a wrong way. You don't have to be in a relationship, you can be just friends. I always find it easier to solve problems when you actually get opinions & suggestions from the opposite gender, especially if it involves another person of that gender. It feels great when someone tells you you're their best friend, a great buddy. It makes you feel that you are accepted.

Exams are next week. FML!!! I have no mood at all to study. But the thing is, last week, I achieved something new. I now have 11 new brothers, my teammates, the people who I know will be by my side even when it's to make fun of me, they'll definitely be there. MSSD is over but us being teammates will never be over. The 1 picture we took together as a team will never be forgotten as that's the teaching of our magnanimous coach. I think that's how you spell it =P.

I asked for the opinion of a friend on when should I pop the question for prom. Guess what, guys, we're suppose to pandai-pandai!!! Girl's got mood swings you know!!! Anyway, I think it's a bad idea if you're gonna ask during a special occasion, it's like forcing someone to say yes or even worse, break your heart... Somethings are never meant to happen, so we just have to leave it be. Loving someone is not easy, but ensuring the other person feels the same way is harder. I seldom talk about girlfriend boyfriend stuff with others or even love because I feel weird talking about it. Typing it out is easy but when saying it, I always feel like I shouldn't say it.

All my blog post, I wrote based on experience. I'm not like the others who write to get other's attention. I blog to express my own feelings and get over them. This is my way of releasing all the problems and troubles I've been through. I don't give a damn if others bother to read my blog. I don't care about the purpose of them reading my blog, I don't care what they think of my blog because this is my blog and no one can change that, no one will change me except for myself. It's all down to will power.

I found this Original Song by Tyler Ward. He's a great artist and I really like this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5Pc10nWsDc

Thinking Back

I complain on many meaningless things, I also complain about my life, putting this 2 statements together, I get " my life is meaningless". Here I go again, ppl insult me n tease me like damn shit a lot, but seriously I don't mind, it never really bothered me. This is probably because it has became part of my life. Somehow, to me, this is a good thing. Some of these insults could be what others think of me, n if there are negative comments, I can work on them. =D

Taking things in a positive manner really helps a lot, I learned this from a good friend =D. "Born with a heart, born with a brain", This shows that we are all only human, our brain actually projects our life, we choose how we want to live it n what we think of it as, the heart on the other hand guides us by instinct. If we decide to think our life as a useless piece of shit, then it will become so.

I realize that whenever I'm around someone that I like, the situation gets very awkward n I tend to do stupid things, the best thing I can do is get away, but that doesn't seem to work because in the end I would get close to her again. It doesn't make sense, n I wonder if she feels the same way. Either way, I've decided to give up on everything I've ever tried to achieve. I just wanna make sure that the feeling I'm having is mutual, so I would not break anyone's heart including mine.

A relationship can get complicated even if its from just friends to girlfriend boyfriend thing. It's damn shit stupid that a feeling can be strong at a moment n just die off another moment, it sucks that someone can be damn nice to u for a time being, n the next thing u know that person hates ur guts. That's why I decided things like this should end, think positively, end ur misery, live ur life. =D

Should It Just End??

I realize that nowadays I keep saying life is a bitch. Well, everyone knows that is true but I realize life is a bitch because u made it a bitch. Knowing that nothing will happen, I still continue to pursue that 'nothing'. So, my conclusion is screw it, don't give a damn anymore, she doesn't want u around, so do urself n her a favour by just disappearing. It actually solves everything, from how annoying u can get towards her, all the shit u go through, it just ends.

But for those already in a relationship, appreciate it pls... Come on, think about it, do u know how difficult is it to find that right person, n even if u found that person, will that person take u?? Yes, it is that complicated. Its like a smile, it can be fake or real, u can nvr tell cuz if someone wants something from u, they'll be nice to u for that 1 moment... then, after that, who gives a damn about u, go get ur own life right, its not my problem... Yes, thats life, n those I'm talking about are so called friends.

Back to those in a relationship, u guys decided to care for each other, u guys were so cute, nice and caring towards each other. NOTICE THE WORD 'WERE'?? What freaking happened?? U guys are the luckiest people on earth to find each other. But now, when 1 is smiling n cheerful, the other gets annoyed n asks the cheerful 1 to screw off. But when a small topic... I mean a meaningless shit ass bullshit topic comes out, u guys fight, quarrel n get angry at each other. I don't understand. When ur in a relationship, doesn't it mean u guys LIKE each other?? Do u know that when I see u guys happy together, I actually seriously smile. But when u guys fight, I leave because I'll be thinking to myself 'how stupid are these people', I'm sorry if ur offended, but its the truth. Why can't u guys just get along??!!

By saying should it just end, I mean should I just screw it n give up. As I said earlier, it settles everything...

Perfect Day...

It's Valentine's!!!! FML!!! Today is definitely one the worst day of my life. It started off with having no gift for Valentine's. Being a butthole ass wipe, I actually asked for a present back from someone to give it to her. Even though she agreed but I felt too bad to take it. Thanks anyway if ur reading this =D. So in school, I had no gift nor guts, I just sat through the whole day as if it was a normal day of school.

After school, I was told that she already had a Valentine. So, ya, there goes my chance. FTW. After wasting damn a lot of time with Clarence n Dev, we decided to head home. I basically slept for 4 until 6 then used the com, had dinner then went for bball with the DU gang.

Then, I was told that she didn't have a Valentine, so I messaged her just to make sure. Turns out, it was true, she didn't have 1. It was already 11:30 at night. It was only another 30 mins til end of Valentines. So my two friends bugged me to ask her. I'm not blaming them, they're just trying to help.

So, when I was at home alone, I poped the question on the phone, yes I know it sounds pathetic n it was. Either way, the result would still be the same.

So, to all u guys out there, Happy Valentines Day. N just to cheer u guys up, ur Valentines was definitely better than mine. Your welcome...

The Big Q

Every has been talking about prom but it's in about another 11 months, so y bother on who ur taking. What I just said is all bullcrap. Everyone's thinking about who to take for prom, some minds are even set already. So for those who are going, make sure u take the right person n not some1 else's date =P.

Thinking about who to bring as a date for from means u have a brain,
Caring about the person shows u have feelings,
Loving the person shows u have a heart,
But it takes all of these and 1 hell a lot of guts to pop the question.

So good luck and hope u find the right person =D